Taming Your Triggers: 3 Steps to Calmer Relationships 

Tera King Coaching

When things aren’t going great- when we’re frustrated, angry and at the end of our rope, we’re quick to assign blame. We think it’s because of what he said or she did or how they are responding.  We question- why do they have to make everything so hard? Why can’t he just listen? Why is she so rude?!

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We want to blame someone else.  We want to point the finger.  But it’s not them that is causing our frustration.  It’s us.  It’s the way we think about what’s happening.  It’s the labels we create and then choose to believe. 

It's difficult to take on the responsibility of our own emotions. It would be so much easier if everyone just followed the 'manual' we have for them.  You know, the list of operating procedures we hold in our minds for how others should act.  How they should respond. What they should do.  The way it should go.  It’s the disconnect between our expectations and the reality that leaves us triggered and causes so much pain and frustration. 

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Have you ever stopped to think about what your expectations for others are?  Pick someone and take a few minutes to write them all down.  What should they say? What should they do? Then ask yourself (honestly) would you be able to follow your 'manual' for them?  The answer is likely no. 

We’re rarely able to follow our manuals for ourselves so why do we expect others to adhere to something they don't even know exists?  Instead, it's time to regain control over our responses by following these 3 steps to calmer relationships. 

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1. Focus on what you can control

Instead of being constantly disappointed that others don’t show up in the way you want, focus on what you can control- you.  Instead of thinking ‘he doesn’t care’, try ‘he’s got a lot on his plate right now’ or ‘I haven’t shared how important this is to me’.   Instead of ‘she’s not pulling her weight’ try ‘she’s doing the best she can’. 

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2. Notice how you feel 

Pay attention to how each of these thoughts is making you feel.  Get as specific as you can.  Are you frustrated? annoyed? disconnected? flustered? Or maybe you notice compassion, intrigue, or amusement? 

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3. Practice

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Get curious and play around with the different thoughts.  Find the ones that allow you to turn the pressure valve down a bit.  Use the thoughts that take you out of reaction mode and build just a little buffer between a (previously) infuriating comment or behavior and your response. 

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Now, don't get me wrong. This is not an easy on and off switch.  Anytime you try out a new thought, it’s challenging.  You'll likely experience some resistance.  You may uncover some strong emotions that need to be processed or find some deeply held beliefs. Be careful to not just try to steamroll thoughts that have been practiced and believed for years or force a new thought that feels untrue. We're not pushing and we're not going for Pollyanna here.  This is a much gentler process.  The key is to approach it with curiosity and compassion (for both yourself and the other person!).  With practice, patience and self-compassion it is possible to transform your relationships.  

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If you find yourself struggling, know that you don't have to go it alone.  If you want help untying your thoughts or changing the way you show up in the relationships that matter most to you, reach out.  I would love to help.

With gratitude, Tera